I’m sitting in the Anchor Eatery in the next neighbourhood over from mine, which is currently without power for the next two to three hours. I’m cozily ensconced beside a gas fireplace with my custom ordered vegan smoothie, listening to the conversations floating past from this table and that. The rain continues to pour down outside, but we’re all warmly happy here drinking our smoothies and lattes and eating our scones.
I’ve just returned from NYC where I studied with my great teacher Larry Moss, who is not only my acting teacher but also one of my most treasured spiritual teachers. Acting has become one of my most profound spiritual practices. When I immerse myself in the study of a play, in the world of “my” character, I oftentimes find lost fragments of myself that I hadn’t known were lost. I find where and when I’m not breathing fully into my whole body, and where and when my voice becomes trapped or choked down. My character speaks to me from the inside out and reveals herself to me in colours painted from the well-spring of my glorious swampy reservoir of memories and emotions. So, so much of great acting is learned and practiced technique. And so, so much of great acting is the unfettered access to that deep swamp of healed wounds.
To dip into the ink of sores still festering, that we have either long forgotten or have actively chosen to ignore, is to step into dangerous territory. We risk losing ourselves once more in the darkness of the injury and our physical bodies act instinctively and stop our voices and our deep, belly breathing, which is the conduit through which we travel to the magnificence of our swamp.
To honour the writer, to honour the story and the truth of the character, I have to know which parts of myself to bring to the table and which parts do not serve. In order to allow the character to animate fully into the truth of her being and in order to fully serve the story the writer has imagined, I have to first not only learn and become proficient at the technique of my craft, but equally, and perhaps more importantly, I have to do my own deep, ongoing inner work. I need to work on healing all of my wounds on every level – physical, emotional and spiritual. It is only when I come from a neutral place of being that my character is fully brought to life. And when that happens….it is magical and mystical.
Which brings me to the impetus for writing this in the first place – I have always been a tangential writer. My last post pulled back the curtain to reveal the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child and it was shocking to many and instigated a domino of clunking healing. My job here – and by here I mean here in my physical existence – is to free my voice, in all ways. To stand in and speak the truth of the feminine. To crack open the feminine heart.
Larry Moss says, “There is no higher healing than turning trauma into art.” By writing the words that shines a light on the childhood sexual abuse, I am calling on the power of the Midas within me and I’m invoking the powerful alchemy of turning my wound into a powerful force of healing.
And here is the important element – without this there is no healing, there is no gold being offered. In order for my words to be an agent of healing for others, I must FIRST HEAL MYSELF. Otherwise I am doing a great disservice. If I have not done my own inner work and if I am not writing from that powerful place of higher healing, then what I am doing instead is spreading the poisonous toxins of a still infected wound – and that is dark magic.
However, if I dip my pen into the blood of my healed wounds, then my words can act as a catalyst of higher healing for others. And this is where the reader of my words can sometimes become confused.
If they read my story of sexual abuse and find themselves feeling great pain and discomfort, then that is their body speaking to them, telling them that they have an unhealed wound inside of them. The arrow of the story has pierced their own wound and the blood they feel flowing is not mine, but their own. The pain they feel is emanating from their own wound. And this is the both the rainspout of their confusion and also of their possible cleansing. They think they are feeling the pain from my own original injury, when in fact, they are feeling the pain of their own, long-hidden wound.
It is the healed Truth of my wound that is the alchemical agent. As I write and as I act, I pull from the blood of my healed injuries to bring the alchemical truth to light. I never, ever write or act from the poisonous venom of unhealed wounds. If you feel pain when reading my words, lovingly ask yourselves what within you is asking to be healed. What a gracious opportunity you have been given.
“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself.
The challenge is to silence the mind.” ~ Caroline Myss