Monthly Archives: January 2012

Jumping Into the Deep End of Conversations

I’m sitting with a cup of tea in the Monday night quiet, reading the latest Still Sunday post by the shining Annie Q.  My son Patrick sits at the kitchen table with his own cup of tea and his headphones on, listening to music as he works on his Art History homework.  Shared stillness.

I take a bite of my salty seaweed snack and read some wisdom words that Annie’s mama told her; thoughts and observations about relationships and the importance of communication.  Or rather, the importance of Important Communication.

“Make a commitment to the difficult conversations—not everything can be resolved at once but frequent kneading is necessary—and one may realize the life span of the relationship was barely a year and not seven.”

Kneading dough for ravioli....

I wonder; would I have heard this a life time ago, when I was seventeen years old, a Damsel in Distress meeting her rescuing Knight?  Would I have heard the meaning in these words short years later as I walked up the aisle to marry my Dark Knight?

Earlier today I’m sitting with my good friend of twenty-five years, drinking peppermint tea, looking at the view of the ocean and talking about relationships.  We have a shared parallel history; we both married and had children very young, we both married narcissistic men, we were both horribly betrayed.

Yet, we are both ultimately grateful for the gift that those betrayals brought us – an awakening and freedom.  An awakening from the illusion, delusion and chimera of our marriages and the freedom from the fantasy and the exhausting effort of maintaining those illusions.  A freedom to live in Truth.

We shake our heads at how hard we worked to imagine our husbands’ as we wanted them to be, as we believed them to be.  How difficult it was to see the glass ball of the illusion when we lived inside of it.  A snow globe filled with falling lies.

If not for my Dark Knight, I wouldn’t have my four children.  If not for the wounds my Dark Knight inflicted on me, I wouldn’t have fallen into my dark night of the soul and embarked on the most difficult and rewarding journey of my life.  I wouldn’t have embarked on my Life.

This blog is, in part, my commitment to the difficult conversations in life.  To not sweep aside the shattered shards of broken illusions, but, instead, to hold the blood covered pieces up to the light in examination and illumination.  To show my children what is possible in a time of crisis.  To show my children not to shy away from speaking the truth or initiating their own difficult conversations.

I am grateful for Annie Q’s mama.  For the gift of her daughter.  And for the gift of wisdom she imparts to her daughter.  I aspire to be that kind of mama to my own children.

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Scary is a World Without Free Knowledge

Imagine a World without Free Knowledge. 

 

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Seeking my Lover…

*I started this the middle of December!…..rather than begin again, I decided to simply jump back in and carry on. :-)*

Caroline Myss Lover Archetype card. Light Attributes: Great passion and devotion. Unbridled appreciated of someone or something. Shadow Attributes: Obsessive passion that harms others. Self-destructive devotion.

This month I am tasked with animating my Lover archetype, in companion with my Seeker and Pioneer.  In October I made a Sacred Contract with myself to spend the next year working to pick open a fate lock in my life.  One that is keeping me locked in a lingering pattern of pain and suffering and away from a path of Destiny.

Working with my archetypal energies and with the support and guidance of my Soul Sisters, four much cherished women working on their own fate/destiny journey, I am using the method and manner I’ve spent many months learning from Caroline Myss at the CMED Institute.  I’m passionate about the process and the deep inner work.

“Take your Lover out for a walk, to places you’ve never been.” Jim advises me via phone from Los Angeles.  I like the suggestion, but as I look out my window and see the ever-present rain coming down, I pull my blue, fuzzy blanket closer around me.  I can feel the cold dampness seeping through the window right into my bones.  Jim has never been to the rainforest we call Vancouver.   It’s close to Christmas and my kids are home from school bringing with them their exuberant energy as well as bags of laundry, dirty dishes left by the sink and expectations of a stocked fridge and pantry.  I’m wondering where my Lover archetype will find the time to take solitary walks.  I’m wondering if my Lover archetype likes walking in the driving, freezing rain, because I’m not too sure I do.

Two days later I’m walking down streets I’ve only ever before driven.  I’m seeking new and different, simple pleasures through the eyes of my Lover archetype.  The wind picks up and I wrap my scarf tighter around my neck.  At least it isn’t raining.  Bailey, my little Yorkie mixed mutt is pulling me ahead with her long red leash, criss-crossing the narrow road from one tantalizing smell to another.  She ‘sees’ through her nose.  I’ve brought my camera with me, thinking it will force me to slow down and walk more mindfully.

I stop to take a picture of a wooden gate with a wrought iron curlicued design set into it, through which I can see the ocean and the tip of Point Grey beyond that.  Almost directly across the street is another gate, this one an older white picket framed between two dense bushes, the fence on either side missing several pickets and falling into disrepair.  I love them both equally, each one an invitation to a secret garden and my imagination is set free to make-believe entire new worlds beyond.

I’m standing in front of the falling-down white, picket fence, my mind full of English countryside and orphans and faeries and my fingers fumbling to pull my gloves back on, when I almost drop my camera.  Bailey is pulling at the leash and nearly tugs it out of my hands along with my camera; something she’s been doing the entire walk and my frustration is growing.  How can I walk slowly and mindfully, taking the time to notice new, simple pleasures if she keeps tugging me to go faster!  Plus my hands are getting colder and colder every time I take my gloves off to take a picture.  And my hair keep blowing across my face and sticking to the lip-gloss I put on to keep my lips from drying out in the wind.

A car honks.  I call Bailey back to my side of the road and smile at the woman in the blue Volvo station wagon as she drives slowly past.  She smiles back at me and waves her fingers off the steering wheel as she passes.  Something inside me softens and releases as we share a smiling connection.  Patience.

The wind picks up some leaves and brushes a new, enticing scent along Bailey’s nose.  Her Yoda ears perk up and she’s once again trotting off, following the leaf down the road.  I smile again, tuck my camera into my pocket and let my wise, furry four-legged joy lead the way.  I allow the Grace of surrender to soften my mind’s tight control over how I think this walk ‘should’ go and instead embrace, with gratitude, what IS happening.  Now I’m actually seeing instead of looking.

Two weeks later I’m lying on the floor by the fire at my sister, Shari’s, house, warming my back after spending the day cross-country skiing with my brother and his family.  I’m alone with my book in the living room, but I’m surrounded by love.  I listen to the gathering in the kitchen as Shari and my sister-in-law, Amy, chop the vegetables that will go into the vegan spaghetti sauce.  My mom, brother and a couple of the older cousins sip wine and visit, sharing about their day.  A roar of laughter tumbles up the stairs.  My five-year old nephew, Fyn, has just scored in a rousing game of knee-hockey with his older cousins.

The Lover Archetype is all around me and I think back to my moments of frustration, wondering how I could possibly find the time to animate the Lover within me during such a busy month.  I chuckle to myself as Bailey trots over and drops her new squeaky toy onto my head.

It’s not about finding the time to animate the Lover Archetype; it’s about recognizing, with gratitude, the many wonderful, simple pleasures that already surround me every day.  I don’t have to seek the Lover within, I simply have to allow her to see.  Surrendering to the joy in the moment, instead of looking beyond to what hasn’t happened yet.  Surrendering to Now….with Gratitude.

My own little Yoda, Bailey

 I could not lie anymore so I started to call my dog “God.”

First he looked

confused,

then he started smiling, then he even
danced.

I kept at it:  now he doesn’t even
bite.

I am wondering if this
might work on
people?

Tukaram

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